That's why I started this blog. I don't care if anyone reads it or doesn't. I have been keeping spiral notebooks full of my own private musings since junior high school. Before that it was pink faux-leather bound books with DIARY scrawled across the cover in silver gilt cursive. They are inconsistant, though, because I mostly like to write in them when I am a) newly in love or b) newly broken up with. So they sound a little squirrly, mostly. Pages of panting over some random boy (we'll call him X) and how wonderful he is and how I can't live without him, which usually ends after a recorded account of some retarded arguement, and then 6 or 8 or 12 months of silence. When my past self picks back up the pen, it's all "oh my god he's GONE" and "what have I done", and just misery misery misery.
::sigh::
But now, I'm going to be 40 in 2 months, and I'm secure in my relationship now being the last one I'm ever going to have, so I really don't have any of that crap to talk about. Mostly I decided to blog because I've been having some problems with my self-control lately, and my addictions have been getting the best of me, and I've decided to quit them. I figured maybe this would be like a journal, and I could get some crap off my chest. So that's what I'm doing.
I only have 3 addictions. Believe me, I've known people with many more. My first ex-husband for instance. I've been addicted to cigarets for 27 years now. Since I was 13, and they cost less than a dollar a pack. I am not an alcoholic, but I am a binge drinker, so my second addiction is alcohol. And with alcohol, I'm kind of a pussy, because I only drink beer, and I have TERRIBLE hangovers. I'm such a lightweight that 3 beers can cause excruciating consequences in the morning, which doens't stop me from drinking IN THE LEAST. I've sat at work on a Wednesday morning, so hung over I think my heart will stop, unable to form a coherant sentance, and the next night I will do it again.
My third addiction, now, that one is relatively new. It's gambling. I was never much of a gambler, but I'll tell you, just lately, most of my time is preoccupied with finding more money so I can go to the casino and stick it back in the slot machines. I am currently 6000.00 in debt to my credit card for gambling orgies. 6000.00 might not seem a lot for some people, but it's 1/5th of my yearly salary (not including commission).
So today, July 23, 2008, I have decided to give up all 3 vices. I have not had a cigaret in 4 & 1/2 hours, no beer or gambling since last Saturday night. I thought I'd just check in here if I had anything relevant to say to me, and I could record whatever I believe I'll want to hear in the future.
Right now I'm having a pretty strong cigaret craving, even though I am wearing a nicotine patch. I am going outside to hike around the building 3 times, which takes me about 5 minutes. I read on some website somewhere that your body can't keep craving something for more than 3 minues at a time, so maybe I'll save my quit with this.
Oh, and I'm going to see Batman with my fiancee tonight.
